By Robert Flowers
While sipping a mimosa on the terrace of my beach home in my silk kimono, I felt bored with the extravagant view, so I turned on the television. I had every channel on Earth and I still couldn’t find anything to watch, so I just turned on the news like a good journalist should do.
I found myself watching two idiots arguing over whether or not education is on the down in America and could only laugh.
I knew an article when I saw one, and this was it. I needed to get dressed and start right away.
Suddenly I heard rustling at the door. I didn’t know what to do, so I decided to play dead. Then I realized how stupid that seemed and decided to play alive. Even worse. Before I could try teleporting out, the door flew open.
In came a man, a woman and a child. How rude, to just barge into my house. The first to see me was the woman, who screamed and covered the child’s eyes. Next, the man blocked her view and told her to go outside.
He kept saying stuff, like “Who are you?” and “What are you doing in my house?” which didn’t make sense. Then, it hit me and I just laughed and laughed.
This wasn’t my house. I just walked in and took it over like some amazing conqueror and forgot all about it.
I walked toward him, laughing uncontrollably, trying to calm him down, but then everything went black.
When I woke up, I instantly knew that I was in the backseat of a police car, handcuffed. Normally, I wouldn’t care about going to jail, but I needed to start my story immediately.
I used a spare cuff key that I always have on me to escape the cuffs and found the hidden mechanism to open the back doors. FYI, all police cars have it.
I jumped out of the backseat of the car and got away from the officers using a combination of parkour and magic (magic, meaning waving my hands in front of my face, saying, ‘Abra caf**k-ya,’ and throwing bottles and trash cans at the officers). Prison could wait. I had a story to write.
I found myself walking around campus and asking, “Do you believe America has failed its education system?” The usual answer was, “How about you ask your mom?” or “Why do you smell like Fabuloso?”
Humanity has really lost its way. Talking to college students was my own mistake.
I decided to try and ask the premier power in the country: Kim Kardashian. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t answer any of my calls, text, emails, tweets or nudes I sent her, so I had only one other choice in this matter: President Barack Obama.
I sat across from President Obama and asked the most obvious question, “Are you comfortable?” He quickly exclaimed, “Of course not!”
You attack the White House completely nude, throwing bricks, then you kidnap me and tie me up! And to top it all off, you’re still nude!”
He began to cry and continued, “For God’s sake, man. Put on some clothes!” What gall the President had, to order me around like he was some leader of the free world. Like Kim Kardashian!
I calmed myself down with a shot of Absinthe and said, “So you’re comfortable. In which case, let me ask you, is America failing its education system?”
President Obama looked me in the eyes and said, “Is this what the f**k you wanted to ask me? Seriously? Of course it is.
“Four-year colleges, graduate schools and universities are basically the largest known scams in the world.
“The amount people pay them mainly goes toward the pockets of the people who invest in those schools.”
“I see. Isn’t that illegal?” I asked.
“Not under the pretense of investments,” Obama said.
“So the education received at these schools are not worth the prices?”
“No. Absolutely not. It makes no sense to force someone to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to become a doctor to save lives. It’s idiotic to say the least. We need more doctors.”
“But the fact that it isn’t free raises the criteria, right?” I asked.
“What criteria? Whether you come from a rich family or not? Whether you can gamble on scholarships to pay for your education? ”
“My apologies, Mr. President. Just remember to not take that tone of voice again or I’ll shove this grenade in your mouth and pull the pin.”
“It’s OK. So colleges have moved away from education and become businesses. Am I correct?”
“Yes, but it’s not just the schools’ fault. Students now are so engrossed with the online world that they forget about studying. They fail classes and retake the classes. They spend more money toward the school and make it richer.”
“So some of the blame goes toward the student.”
“Yes. Things like sports, clubs, activities and etc. are used as simple distractions from educational progress.
“If such things never existed, imagine how focused students would be during their college years?
“True dat. But wouldn’t that just be boring?”
“You go to school learn, to have an education, so you can get a good job.”
“Understandable. I would like to personally thank you for your time seeing me.” I said.
“You kidnapped me.”
“You say kidnapped, I say forcibly brought you to another location.”
“That’s the same thing.”
“Whatever Mr. President. I guess I’ll see you next time.” I rose to my feet and began to leave.
Then, President Obama yelled, “You’re just going to leave me here?”
“Yeah. Bye. Bye.”
As you all know, the president was found soon after.
In conclusion, I don’t believe I need a conclusion. I’ve said enough. If you got a problem, then find me. I accept all fights… except if you’re bigger, stronger, faster, smarter or just better than me.