By Robert Flowers
All hail Giant Meteor! He is the only option.
While surfing online for por… I mean, algorithms, I received an email from an old childhood friend who was running for president. We talked about por… I mean algorithms and found out we both enjoy Asian algorithms.
After a few hours of catching up, my friend asked me to endorse him for president. Obviously I couldn’t turn my friend down, definitely since he was offering the vice-presidency to me.
So, as of that moment, I have decided to endorse my friend, Giant Meteor as president of the United States of America.
Giant Meteor’s the most reliable person I know. His politics are simple: Healthcare-TOTAL WORLD DESTRUCTION. Minimum wage- TOTAL WORLD DESTRUCTION. The war on drugs- TOTAL WORLD DESTRUCTION. Diplomacy- TOTAL WORLD DESTRUCTION. Police brutality- TOTAL WORLD DESTRUCTION. Immigration- TOTAL WORLD DESTRUCTION… and free tacos.
As the vice-president candidate of Giant Meteor, I promise to uphold every promise he offers, along with some others of my own creation.
I promise to love every beautiful woman in the States before November. I’m dedicated enough to do anything for Giant Meteor to become president. That is the type of men we are.
I promise to take every child to Disneyland come December (ha!). I promise to adopt every shelter animal come January (ha ha!). And I promise to fly to the moon and prove the moon is made of cheese come February (ha ha ha!).
They are very simple politics compared to the other major candidates. Donald Trump, an (allegedly) psychopathic idiot and closet diaper-wearer, Hillary Clinton, an (allegedly) perpetual liar and underworld queen, and Bernie Sanders, an (allegedly) all together good man with a great personality.
Trump’s views are extremely simple (allegedly) deport everyone in the country so he can walk around the States and finger paint in his diaper all over the place. Those are the underlying politics he believes in, if you have never truly followed his political logic until this point. Trump will (allegedly) deport everyone and everything if he becomes president in November.
Just imagine. You’re off in who-the-hell-knows, Egypt come January, while Trump is lying in your old bed, finger painting on your old walls in pink and yellow, while you’re fighting against the curse of the pharaoh and having to watch your family be eaten by mummies. Is that fair? No. That’s why Giant Meteor is the better candidate.
Clinton’s views are a little more complex than Trump’s; (allegedly) sell everyone in the States for her own profit.
Personally, I’m not too keen on slavery in this era. Although fighting for my freedom as a gladiator is on my bucket list, I’d prefer to do it at my leisure. And there is the possibility that I might be forced into a brothel. I might be a little too shy to be doing algorithms in public. So, obviously Giant Meteor’s views are better than Clinton’s are.
Sanders’ views are the best among the candidates; (allegedly) build a Utopia by creating Robocops that can sense whenever someone plans to do anything bad and kill them. (Allegedly) this project will be called “Rise of the Fist.” (Allegedly), during testing, for some reason the Robocops only killed Caucasian people even when they were non-threatening.
As a major supporter of the Black Panthers party back in the day, I feel that this may be part of some nefarious plan, but I really don’t care. Giant Meteor doesn’t care about race or peace or anything else, so obviously he is the better candidate.
So when you go down to vote come November, remember: “Just End It Already!” We have no other choice in the matter. We’ll either be (allegedly) deported by some idiot, (allegedly) sold into slavery by underworld mafia, gang, yakuza queen or (allegedly) be forced into a civil war by some extremely nice evil villain. I’d rather gamble with certain death than the ensuing chaos. But that’s my own opinion (allegedly).