Mr. Flowers endorses impactful candidate

By Robert Flowers All hail Giant Meteor! He is the only option. While surfing online for por… I mean, algorithms, I received an email from an old childhood friend who was running for president. We talked about por… I mean algorithms and found out we both enjoy Asian algorithms. After a few hours of catching up, my friend asked me to endorse him for president. Obviously I couldn’t turn my friend…

May 25, 2016
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Mr. Flowers copes with stress, finals

By Robert Flowers Stress is a killer when finals are coming, so here are some ways to relieve some of that stress in the most helpful manner. While in the library writing a 20-page report on lettuce, titled “Lettuce: Do Not Trust It,” I overheard a conversation between a man and a woman near me. Man: “Are you sure you’re ok? You seemed stressed lately.” Woman: “Finals are coming up…

April 20, 2016
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Mr. Flowers’ education system

By Robert Flowers While sipping a mimosa on the terrace of my beach home in my silk kimono, I felt bored with the extravagant view, so I turned on the television. I had every channel on Earth and I still couldn’t find anything to watch, so I just turned on the news like a good journalist should do. I found myself watching two idiots arguing over whether or not education…

March 23, 2016
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Elans find gold on construction site

By Robert Flowers Construction on campus is all a lie. The world is ending. This reporter has found the truth in quite the mysterious way. On Monday , I came across an interesting conversation when I pass the construction site. “We found an even larger bedrock sir. With this, we can truly see our dreams come true, sir.” The other man said, “Shut up and get back to work!” That…

December 9, 2015
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