Mr. Flowers copes with stress, finals


By Robert Flowers

Stress is a killer when finals are coming, so here are some ways to relieve some of that stress in the most helpful manner.

While in the library writing a 20-page report on lettuce, titled “Lettuce: Do Not Trust It,” I overheard a conversation between a man and a woman near me.

Man: “Are you sure you’re ok? You seemed stressed lately.”

Woman: “Finals are coming up and I have to study a lot, but I’m glad I have you, Bae.”

Man: “Right… I meant to tell you that I’m sleeping with your friend, Nicky. We through. So what did you get for question seven?”

Next, she either showed him a very scary face or she ripped off his manhood, because he screamed annoyingly loud and  ambulances were called. But none of that mattered, because I had a new story to write.

Since I was writing about ways to relieve stress and I was at the library, I decided to do some studying, but I only had 30 minutes before my next class, so I had to rush it. For the first 10 minutes, I studied everything there is to know.

The next 10 minutes, I spent writing a 100-page dissertation on my findings and the last 10 minutes, I spent banging my head on the table.

I actually forgot about stress relief and wrote about Einstein’s Theory of Gravity and presumed that by altering magnetic waves, humans could control gravity on a whim. I immediately destroyed the computer for allowing me to waste my time on such incredibly genius findings.

Once again, I apologize to ELAC for destroying another part of the school. Send the bill to your mom, I’m sure she’ll pay for it.

Next, I went to a spa to see if it was a viable way to relieve stress during times like these. It turned out to be Coachella.

I don’t exactly remember how I got the two mixed up. I did things that I’m not proud of there, but that is true about anyone that goes to Coachella.

All I remember was taking aspirin for a headache from some hippie and ending up in daycare in Florida on Monday. I think that caused more stress since I got a gang tattoo and a contract that stated I would either vote for Donald Trump in the primaries or have my deepest, darkest secret told to the world. If people knew I sometimes walk around my house dressed like a baby and pooped my pants, I wouldn’t know what to do. They were playing hard ball for votes for sure. In any case, spas are not worth the time.

I decided to try talking to a professional stress counselor about stress relief.

I went to meet with Dr. Real Smart at his home in Salem’s Lot, Maine. When I arrived, I felt the town was a little off. Maybe because he lived in a small town without any McDonald’s in it.

Maybe because everyone had sharp, vampire fangs and were trying to suck my blood.

Luckily, my habit of only drinking holy water paid off and they couldn’t really get near me.

I guess you have to call me eccentric instead of crazy from now on, you haters.

When I finally got to meet him in his home, I asked the most obvious question off the bat, “What is that smell, Dr. Smart?” “Corpses.” What an amusing answer.

Being smart and funny is a great combination for a stress counselor.

I then continued the interview, “So tell me, what, in your opinion, what is the best ways to relieve stress?”

He mulled it over for a second and then answered, “Sucking blood, biting people, living forever and turning into a bat. That is what I teach all clients who come to see me and that is why I became so famous.”

As a journalist, I was touched by his words.

Never have I seen such unblinking dedication to ideals by anyone before. In fact, since seeing him, he never blinked once. Weird.

With that statement, I felt I had enough for an article.

I bid my farewell to him and ran for my life as he sent his lackeys after me.

Unfortunately, I wouldn’t suggest stress counselors either, because they might be vampires.

After all the trouble I went through, I came to only 10 viable ways to relieve stress before finals: 1. Try exercising. 2. Talk to your teachers for help. 3. Go to tutoring. 4. Believe in yourself (or believe in the amazing version of you that I believe in. Yes, I know I’m corny.) 5. Eat healthier. 6. Focus on the material you have trouble with. 7. Spend time with family and friends. 8. Buy an iguana. 9. Steal the answers to the test. 10. Hypnotize the teacher to give you an A in the class and also to buy you a car. (FYI: As the real Robert Flowers, I do not suggest doing 8-10.)

Good luck out there, everyone.

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